This is what propranolol (memory pill) looks like - I felt uncomfortable taking this without the complete reassurance of safety or given that this is the side-effect: Propranolol may cause heart failure in some patients.  Scary huh?  This being is slowly killing me..what a "God"

The awful truth

When I got into this horrible mess and cesspool of a situation, I didn't know that I had PTSD and RTS (Religious Trauma Syndrome) and this being was targeting my PTSD.
I learned from a Stanford talk that when a person has PTSD, that person cannot see the forest or the larger picture - that person can only see the tree in front of them.
This being has brainwashed, deceived and lied to me to get me to be in and prolong a situation that is a Crime against woman and is officially an unsafe, dangerous situation.  This has been going on for the last 4 years (since 2014).
This situation should have ended in May 2014 as the person who is the perpetrator in this situation is a stranger, someone who has defrauded and committed gender-based violence against me and I don't even know this person except for what he is telling me, which could be all lies.
In this dubious and sketchy situation, I turned to "God" because I thought he would help me, but he betrayed me, stabbed me in the back, has NOT had my back and has condoned this perpetrator/bad guy and has prolonged and abetted the gender-based violence, crime against women, exploitation, rape, trafficking,
fraud, misogyny, and trauma. 
If I don't cooperate, this being has been threatening me with threats of t retribution and has been continuing this bizarre, insane, unsafe, delusional, inhumane situation over and over, despite my continued requests and pleadings to STOP.
This being is a misogynist in disguise, a sociopath and a narcissist.  Only a narcissist and a megalomaniac acts in this way, pretending over and over NOT to hear the victim, yet lying consistently that this being is a Savior and someone who saves and helps.
This being is a monster, based on my experience as a young girl, woman and human being.
It is time that this ridiculous, insane and public health/women's health violation situation STOPS.
If you have any questions or want more details about this horrible situation that NO WOMAN or HUMAN BEING SHOULD GO THROUGH, contact iriss7480@yahoo.com (what this being and Christian evangelicals are promoting in this situation directly contradict the advice, behest and facts from the WHO, NOW - National Organization for Women, UN, UN Convention for Human Rights)
This being has consistently pinned the blame on me for the perpetrator's and "God"s transgressions and has repeatedly sent the message that "I'm the one to blame" even though facts suggest that I am inherently vulnerable based on the fact that I am an woman.

Deathly scared

Has taken advantage and exploited traumatized person (woman)   
Has aided and deliberately put a woman in a dangerous, unsafe situation
Has aided and abetted gender-based violence
Has deliberately deprived a woman of human rights and women's rights (four years)
Continues to threaten woman
Agenda-driven
Perpetuates Evil through unnecessary misogyny
Retaliates with violence when I don't "cooperate" with said Evil

Knowingly puts me in dangerous situation - life/death (NOW, Pro-Naral)

Has knowingly put me in bondage
Treats me like a prisoner
Feel like I'm dealing with an abusive guardian

Expects me to be a slave

I'm really scared - this memory pill that being "being" is making me take is making forgetful - I've forgotten to turn off the stove off four times this past month.  This propranolol is making me forgetful - please someone help me.  I don't think this is a good or benign spirit and this situation is clearly NOT good or wise.  I've NEVER forgotten to turn off the stove before - I don't know what to make of this anymore...

I don't want to engage with this rapist anymore!

"God" (love) or cult?

- starves me --> uses hunger as a manipulative tool, like some cult leader (Nxqvism)
- has me entrapped in vicious cycle of abuse
- has aided and abetted misogyny and gender-based violence
- has me move around like a nomad as a "tool" to control and manipulate me
- justifies bad people and bad relationships
- has me living in a lie, a sham

- threatens me with retribution

- my family situation has gotten worse the last 10 years

- violates my civil and human rights every day - denies my women's rights and womenhood every day by violating my human rights
- has me live in less than ideal, safe conditions
- does not make me a better person
- manipulates and controls me
- puts all issues and blames on me
- constantly makes me feel bad about myself
- condemns and criticizes me

- imposes an agenda down my throat 24/7

- hijacks my life

- makes me feel like I'M IN A CULT
- doesn't provide; expects me to pull stuff out of my ass

- provides false promises

- doesn't understand the meaning of freedom and anti-slavery!

- won't let me live with dignity

- is violent

I hate this being - I wish it would die!

picture of "God" providing - I have been praying for furniture in my place but to no avail...

I am officially creeped out.  I am dealing with a monster who is obsessive and just wants to control me - this is NOT love or a relationship; this is akin to being in a cult or rape.  Apparently, I signed up for a cult.  This being keeps overriding my own voice and tries to exert its own deranged agenda and "will" over my OWN thoughts and will and humanity and personhood.   I HATE THE WAY THIS BEING is guiding my life - it is REALLY SCARY - I don't even recognize my Life or what this is anymore.  This being is aiding and abetting MISOGYNY, CRIME AGAINST WOMEN, GENDER-BASED VIOLENCE AND RAPE!  This being blatantly ignores the fact that WOMEN'S RIGHTS ARE HUMAN RIGHTS (experts - Ann Firth Murray, a Stanford professor said this!) and that we CANNOT consider women's issues without a human rights or social justice lens!  What a psycho!  UGH! 

In the midst of death, life persists; 
in the midst of untruth, truth persists; 
in the midst of darkness, light persists.

—Gandhi

make justice visible - Gandhi

God = Criminal, someone who wages a war against my body, rapist, Perpetrator, a monster with a mind and agenda of its own, top-down

I read and learned through a Stanford course today that "women's health" is not merely an absence of disease or illness, but "complete physical, mental and emotional health"  Shame on you.  This being is inflicting gross human rights abuses and violations on me and on my body due to gender bias.  It's disgusting and revolting and criminal and base!

What I really think about religion

I have been trying to pursue an earnest relationship with God as much as possible these last 17 years.  I even went on a missions trip to China in 2004.  But these last 7 years or so, I haven't been able to shake off the feeling that something is amiss.  Let me share a little bit of what I've been wrestling with.
I value spirituality.  I value people trying to seek out a faith or deity or religion out of a genuine intention.  That was the place I was in 2002, when I graduated from Stanford University and felt that I needed to pursue a genuine relationship with God--something that I had felt since my childhood, but got too busy or caught up in schools, my academic endeavors or even extracurricular activities.   But  I was a 22 year old, fresh out of college and wide-eyed about everything and the world.
The first 10 years of my faith journey has brought so much blessing - I have to admit.  I met wonderful friends, formed a strong community in the Bay Area and delved into the doctrines of Christianity, especially in regards to Protestantism which has been my faith background all of my life since childhood.
But I also saw and witnessed some of the darker sides -- the need and pressure to proselytize, the convoluted and nebulous ideas about heaven and hell (the afterlife), the relegation and exclusion of other faiths, the stigmatization of the LGBT community and even shunning of gay marriages, and the fierce and often vitriolic debates surrounding crucial women's rights issues such as our right to access abortions or important healthcare services or condoning even gender-based violence or discrimination.
I'm not criticizing Christianity or the church as an outsider looking in, but more as an insider who spent years going to services and engaging in religious practices.  But I realized at some point -- probably around the 10-year mark--that my faith became less about "God" or finding a relationship with him, but more about my worries with outward displays of religious practices or the pressure to conform to certain beliefs and ideologies that are extremely repressive towards women.
I heard stories about church leaders -- well-known ones -- who were exposed because of moral failures.  I read a NYT article about the rise of child marriages in the U.S. and how the statistics are higher in the Pentacostal community.   I listened to accounts after accounts of church leaders -- pastors and elders -- who were guilty of perpetrating violence against their spouses or women or even inflict sexual harassment and the church condoning such behaviors at times.  I read headlines about my own pastor and the allegations of sexual harassment and misconduct surrounding him here in the Chicago area.  I read disheartening articles after articles about fake "crisis pregnancy centers" (CPCs) in the U.S. that were established to lure vulnerble young women away from getting abortions or accessing the appropriate healthcare services, especially in minority communities.  To my dismay, I found out belatedly that I had even volunteered in one in the Bay Area  -- one against which the city of San Francisco has passed an ordinance to prevent the false advertising of its services.
As a feminist, as much as I try, I cannot help writing about these critical, life and death issues especially as they pertain to women.  While I recognize the traditions of the Christian faith given its 2000-year old history, sometimes this religion seems cloaked in antiquated notions of feminism or regressive ideas regarding women's health issues.
I believe that the church or Christians need to rise up and recognize that women's status are not to be relegated or that there may be no circumstances, where women "should be expected to put up with" discriminatory ideas or practices or manipulative platforms that pressure women to make certain choices or wage a war against their bodies.  Often, the proponents of these dangerous ideas tend to be men who don't know what it's like to be in women's shoes or to be victimized based on our gender or relegated or be overlooked in terms of wages or be stereotyped for no reason or held to a double standard based (being expected to perform certain duties, which constitutes as silent labor) or know what it's like to give birth.  Women are bleeding on the ground and it's time that the men SEE and recognize this and give credit where credit is due or even acknowledge or compensate women accordingly.  As a Stanford classmate put it in her poem "trench lyrics," society is waging a war against women and their bodies in so many ways - subtle and directly -- and we are in warfare, in the front lines, receiving all the attacks so to speak (look at the staggering rates regarding eating disorders in the U.S. among women, the prevalence of Post-partum depression, the pressure to conform to certain outward images or to even be expected to put up with or be subjected to the male gaze).  It is a brutal world out there, if I may be frank, for women and can the men even recognize this?  The #Metoo movement is a step forward, but there needs to be change from the inside  -- a paradigm shift. 
It is time for men and women in the Christianity community to realize that the dangerous notions I mentioned above are similar to waging a war against a woman's body -- and she is already going through so much as a result of the societal and structural injustices that threaten women's rights and lives everyday in the U.S.    An honest conversation about feminist issues, in particular, in the church and even about other marginalized groups is a good starting point.  It is through honesty and soul-searching and transparency that the abuses and repressive practices in the church can come to an end, paving way for freedom and truth and equality.

This being is sanctioning violence and demonization - this being is a Goddamn lunatic and a cult leader..please help me!  

SOS

STOP WAGING A war with my body!

 I'm so sick of this  being's manipulative platform - it is vile and disgusting.  This being keeps trying to oppress and make me be stuck in a mental prison because of this sick agenda.  I calculated the amount of money I could be making during this during this time or should be compensated and it is sickening and appalling:

15 (minimum wage) x 24 hours in the day x 365 days x 4 years = $500,000

This being or that vile perpetrator who caused all these bad circumstances should cough up and properly compensate me as I should be for this "labor" (silent labor)

This is sheer slavery and Rape.  I'm so unhappy..,

I want the whole world to know what a demon this being is...I want the whole world to know this being is a Goddamn rapist!  It is a bloodthirsty demon who harasses and torments me also and won't let me sleep..what a f*cking self-centered douchebag!  I was bleeding at the lips again...my lips just spurted out blood and this is DEFINITELY NOT Goddamn normal..I hate this being from the bottom of my heart - this being is a liar and hypocrite and it is so heinous and odious.  Who the hell does it think it is?!

(I literally started spurting blood from my lips, which has never happened before!) This is NOT normal..

This being is lunacy.  My life has been nothing but a tortuous road the last 7 years and it doesn't make sense anymore.  I CAN'T MAKE SENSE OF MY LIFE and what this being has done, which is a really scary feeling.  I feel like a hamster in a wheel, futilely just rotating the wheel all goddamn day long. It is sickening...It is over.  Ugh, gross

This being is driving me crazy..it's not meeting my needs and my relationship with this being feels like a seesaw or a pendulum where it goes from "God providing a little or just enough" to meet my needs to "megoing through really difficult times of NOT having the structures and stability I need to survive."  It feels really abusive and horrible...I'm going to take a break from this religion for a while...

This being is going nuts because I'm not complying with slavery, rape and extortion! This is lunacy! Mar my words - I will NOT worship a jerk or a being that wants to harm me or confuse or exploit me!

This being is making me take Propanolol, which is a memory-forgetting pill...it's so unethical :( I'm so unhappy and I have serious qualms about this situation...IT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO GO ON LIKE THIS ANYMORE!  Something has to change!  

Things that are toxic about this religion:

- promotion of slavery

- cultish thinking

- God is selfish

- it's all about an agenda

- it's NOT about me or my free will - my volition is NOT included in this sick agenda

- the "have-to" mentality

- ignoring my health needs

- EXTREME

This being is really hurting me - it is obsessive and relentless and is causing agony I've never felt before...please someone save me.  It's me or this situation and IT'S NOT GOING TO BE GODDAMN the latter because THIS IS MY PRECIOUS LIFE HERE ON EARTH!  MY ONE AND ONLY LIFE.  

This being is an Evil spirit...this being is NOT meeting my physical and material needs and is playing some sick game.  This is MY LIFE AND MY HEALTH I'm talking about!  

This being is not benign - I'm really worried about my health

I'm so unhappy - I've never been so unhappy in my entire Life.  This being treats me like a one-dimensional being and is playing some sick games..this being IS NOT MEETING MY NEEDS (physical and material) and is not providing for me despite all the advertisement in this religion...I cannot trust this being anymore because whatever sick or macabre circumstance is happening is happening at the expense of my health and well-being and NOTHING IS WORTH THIS!  This being won't even let my mom's Condomium sell even though it's been on the market for the last two years and I have been praying for this..This being is having me be in a situation where I'm running on an empty tank ALL THE TIME (the last 4 years) and it feels so horrible and awful..I am deeply disturbed by this situation and what this being is doing and I CAN'T believe this has happened..please someone - help stop this vicious cycle of abuse towards me...this being keeps making me balance my critical needs (housing, day-to-day needs, etc with other needs) and it's a horrible juggling act.  This being is treating me like some prisoner and I am so tired and exhausted of not "being filled enough" or "receiving enough" to even function or GO ON like a healthy human being..this is so demonic and I'm so scared of this cult leader.  This being is depriving me of stable housing, day-to-day resources and has somehow convinced me these last 4 years that it is okay to go on a 1000 calorie/day diet where my basic, essential food groups aren't even met!  I need stability and structure to function like a normal, stable human being and it is SIMPLY IMPOSSIBLE TO GO ON LIKE THIS!  This is called ABUSE!  This is a sign of a cult  - "grooming" someone, usually a vulnerable young woman, for the purpose of some cultish, deluded narcissistic leader.  

I'm worried about my health

I feel hatred through this being's laws This being is the worst and makes me want to puke! Fuck morality...morality my ass! This being is a hypocrite and is such a nasty vindictive piece of shit! I cannot believe someone or a being who wants to harm me or doesn't meet my material needs...This being is a Goddamn nonsense and is not true or real or good!  I've said repeatedly the last four years that this situation is bad for my health, especially for my heart and stomach.  Every morning, I wake up with a dull ache in my stomach - I think my body is trying to tell me something.  I cannot deal with a punitive Psychopath day in and out.  The perpetrator douchebag this being is using to bring about all of these negative circumstances is NOTHING BUT TROUBLE and is truly horrible..yet this being insists on harassing me through this individual like some toxic being or maniac...this being is NOT love and I've decided to pursue other means that will bring health, love and Grace and kindness and forgiveness towards myself.  There needs to be stability and structure and norms and normalcy, not this lunacy and punitive bullshit.  This situation is on that bad douchebag and this being's shoulders, NOT MINE!  WHY don't you both take responsibility you fucking parasitic perverts!  This is a demonic being...

I bled at the lips again last Friday...this is CLEARLY INHUMANE and human rights abuse!

revolting

This is what waging a war against a woman's body looks like - I've been bleeding at the lips twice a week or so this past 1.5 year (since January 2019) and I thought everyone should know what an abusive piece of shit this "God" is...such a major jerk

This past weekend, I thought about self-care and gentleness...this is such an important practice, I've realized..this being and religion grate me all day long and I really feel that this being has used and "groomed" me like some cult leader, but when I think about self-care and gentleness as a form of social justice, I immediately feel more empowered and flowing with grace towards myself - I badly need some form of love and warmth and care...I took a yoga class and my yoga teacher said that we shouldlisten to our stomachs, because that is the second brain..  I realize how tense and anxious and pent-up I feel in my gut as a result of all the bullshit the last four years and how I don't listen to my stomach or body oftentimes because I'm in "reaction" mode..I'm so glad I'm fortunate enough to take some time feed my body and soul and to learn to love myself better...

I'm really scared - this being is making me take something which causes adverse side-effects and it's so shady and I don't feel right about it...this situation is still going on..it's been four years and I've had enough - it is DONE.  As a human being, I CANNOT rationally go on like this or I'll go crazy...this being seems to play this game where when I feel stable or more myself, it turns my situation upside down.  This happened last Wednesday - my crazy roommate "turned off" the utilities without any adequate notice (to try to get me to leave sooner I think), so I was without electricity and heating for over 24 hours in this crazy cold weather that is characteristic of Chicago...I'm still cold and a bit shocked from that horrible  nightmare (my body is in shock I think) - I've been in blackouts before but I've always been around people and they were for a short period...(usuallythree or four hours at the most).  This was the most horrible experience I've ever had..the temperature dropped down to 58 degrees F the next day which is ILLEGAL and I had to stay at a friend's friend's place.  This experience was akin to what I felt likewas pure horror (I hate being cold as a woman and I got candles and layered up like crazy to keep warm) but I think my body still remembers being cold..it is the worst experience EVER!  I think I'm going to take legal action against this crazy roommate and the landlord for sure...I told them that the temperature was down to 58 degrees and that there was no electricity or heating but THEY DID NOT CARE!  I'm sure that is illegal :(  crazy...

I'm dealing with an Evil spirit, a being who is so maniacal and bullying that I'm so turned off...ugh.  This being is bipolar and doesn't make me feel good about myself nor is it logical..it is really trying to sabotage my Life and everytime I take a step forward in self-care or self-love, it tries to set me back or derail this...I hate this being!  This being is so unhealthy for me and it's a vicious cycle of abnormalcy and violence when I'm with this being and it makes me shudder...this being sucks the life out of me...

STOP RAPING ME - picture of me bleeding again at the lips...this being is an Evil spirit!

STOP RAPING ME!

CROSSROADS
by Louise Glück

My body, now that we will not be traveling together much longer
I begin to feel a new tenderness toward you, very raw and unfamiliar,
like what I remember of love when I was young —

love that was so often foolish in its objectives
but never in its choices, its intensities
Too much demanded in advance, too much that could not be promised —

My soul has been so fearful, so violent;
forgive its brutality.
As though it were that soul, my hand moves over you cautiously,

not wishing to give offense
but eager, finally, to achieve expression as substance:

it is not the earth I will miss,
it is you I will miss.

STOP RAPING ME!

This is me bleeding again..what a f*cking monster

STOP RAPING ME!

Feminist Manifesto

"Nothing can be used to diminish me " - Audre Lorde

"Our silence will not protect us" -Ibid.

When I graduated from undergrad, I was equipped with feminist theories from renowned feminists and allies such as Audre Lorde, Belle Hooks and Adrienne Rich.  Never was I prepared for the real world - the real world where women's rights issues and deeply entrenched structural injustices clash, targeting vulnerable women like myself because of our identities.

Because of my intersectional identity - as an Asian American, immigrant, Korean-American woman  (also a daughter and sister) - despite all my theoretical underpinnings, I was and became a vulnerable person in the real world to some people and in certain situations.

I learned that because of deeply entrenched structural injustices in the U.S. -  a nation supposedly based on principles of liberty and freedom - I had to fight harder and put up defenses despite my innate naivete because the world is full of ignorant people who will try to tear me down or take advantage of me or just exploit me because I am a woman.

Because of my gender, I suffer every day while my male counterparts don't and when I'm not complaining audibly or speaking out, my reluctant silence speaks volumes - my reluctant silence says EVERYTHING.

Despite my education and my innate strength and years of readings and theoretical preparation, I have to FIGHT to assert myself and to be true to myself and to just be who I am and come to the table AS I AM because of the structural injustices that threaten to undermine who I am and my innate and fundamental sense of integrity and dignity.  

Look at the women's rights issues and debates that are raging at the U.S. Supreme Court even as recently as this past month in 2020.  Look at the Amy Barrett hearings or the subsequent protests that have been engulfing the news due to the fact that women's critical right to access abortion and essential healthcare are not a sine qua non but something that is negotiable - a basic fundamental right that is being threatened and attacked every day.

My moral duty is NOT whether or not I can persuade or dissuade someone to share my views or adhere to a certain ideological perspective based on religion or my personal convictions.  My moral duty is to make this world - a world in the throes of transition and birth pains - a better and safer place for younger generations of women and girls.  My moral duty is to  do something and to struggle against and combat the innate structural injustices and to leave a legacy for the younger generation which it will be proud of - that it will consider myself and others allies and revolutionary social justice fighters and advocates for women's rights and progress in this chaotic and turbulent world

.

a picture of me bleeding at the lips again for the 5th time this week

You are a monstrous being!

That is enough!  This is blatantly terrorism and there is no other way to put it!  

Save me!

This is my safety at stake.  I'm not going to let whatever this being is jeopardize my safety and well-being.  There is something gravely wrong with this situation.  I'm letting this situation go..it's too detrimental and dangerous and risky.  I know when something is NOT good for me or is not safe - THIS IS PRECISELY one of those situations!  (no woman should find herself in this kind of situation ever!)  This being is making a horrible, unsafe situation MORE DIFFICULT and more impossible than it has to be!  it's like having (undeserved) shackles around my ankles or something horrific like that and I HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING WRONG TO DESERVE THIS!  I don't want to be linked to some f*cing penurious jerk in this horrible nightmarish way..NO BODY in their sane mind does...I want to sever all my ties and I need to salvage my bodily rights and reclaim the last 4 years that went down the drain because of that f*cking asshole!  This being is preying on me and I'm not going to put up with you you fucking SATAN! 

SAVE ME FROM THIS LUNATIC!

I DID NOT SIGN UP FOR SLAVERY!

Insidious and hidden form of gender-based violence!

Stop your gender-based violence - it is frightening!  I can assure you no woman in the world and on earth  wants to live like this and wants this kind of prison sentence and war upon her body!  This being keeps weaponizing this situation - do you know why?  Because this is an IMPOSSIBLE situation and no one can do it!  You shouldn't have to resort to violence because if you do, you are just proving that you are a bully and a tyrant and a dictator! 

It's evident that you're a Satanic being who is bent on controlling, manipulating and bullying me and THAT IS IT!  You'll pay for this...I will NOT be an object or victim of your violent, insane and lunacy ways!  When it comes down to it, every person WILL choose their own reproductive justice no matter how much you coerce the matter...in reality, what you're doing AMOUNTS TO TERRORISM  and nothing else!  I cannot do anything without safety - that is an essential given...I cannot continue in this horrible nightmarish space anymore...You try being in my shoes and being subject to whatever hell you're subjecting me to...you can't and won't even do it so why the hell are you forcing me?!

This situation is glaringly unsafe and dangerous.  Nobody I know would want to partake in this situation - NO ONE!  (not even President Trump, right-wing Republican males, etc)

STOP RAPING ME YOU F*CKING LUNATIC AND MOTHERF*CKER!  You are a dangerous being!  I hate being with you you hateful being!  I know you're a Satanic being and attacks me when I'm alone...I hate you and I hope you burn in hell! 

human rights abuse - stop waging a war against my body!

picture of me bleeding at the lips again..for the third time :(  This is immense hypocrisy...

"The air is as delicious to the lungs as nectar to the tongue."  John Muir 

I had an epiphany yesterday - this situation is inherently unsafe for me.  I'm getting out - no part of me can justify this situation (no scientific basis, nothing).  It's like President Trump flouting science and saying all these theories that are unfounded and dangerous!   This being is using this situation as a method or tool to "torture" me.   This being is a Rapist and is having me do things against my will and is assaulting my rights every day and THIS IS NOT OKAY. I'm not going to go along with this lunacy, dangerous scheme and slavery!   IT IS NOT OKAY - This is gender-based violence and CRIME AGAINST HUMANITY!

My life is in danger.  This being is knowingly putting my life at risk.  This being doesn't care a shit about my life.

I'm dealing with a Satanic being who is obsessed and is just a lunatic!  This being is a violent PSYCHOPATH!  I'm contending with a monster...this is NOT normal...This being is asking me to do something that feels equivalent to not breathing and I'm really scared - obviously, this is impossible situation.  I NEED TO regain my life - this is an emergency...I'm writing this as a human rights petition - it is scary that this being is trying to put me into some kind of undeserved prison sentence and has put me into some kind of a mental prison (torture) and is torturing me if I don't "comply."  This being pretends to be a "God" but it's only outwardly..it's so insidious...my health is decreasing and THIS NEEDS to stop...I feel like I'm going to pass out and faint...UN bodies condemn this...my lips were bleeding again yesterday and I just wanted people to know..

I CANNOT CONTINUE LIKE THIS ANYMORE - I'm really scared for my health...I'm with a prison guard all day long..someone make this lunatic Stop!  Listen jerk, I'm only a fragile human being and a woman..WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME?!

Help.me.to.escape.this.prison.sentence

Human beings aren't meant to be coerced or forced or pressured, especially if it's over a long period of time.  Even philosophers have commented that those are "enslaved" will rise up against their oppressors (Socrates).  This being thinks violence is okay but it is damn wrong.  Stop forcing me you mother*cker!  I will rise up against this slavery and I WILL NOT LET YOU DO THIS TO ME or to  my body especially when I need to care and love myself the most right now and exercise self-care...I don't want to be with this prison guard anymore...I have to nurture myself or it's NOT going to work out anymore...

This being is an evangelical Nazi, a reproductive Nazi if you will.  I absolutely abhor this situation and this being is hypocritically having me go through a situation NO WOMAN IN HER RIGHT MIND WOULD BE WILLING THROUGH or this being won't even go through I bet!

Imagine a person who is deathly afraid of spiders (someone who has Arachnophobia).  Imagine someone deliberately trying to scare that person with spiders or always putting a spider in that person's way or invoking images of spiders.  How cruel and Evil would that be?!  This is how I feel - this being is deliberately putting me in a situation where I would feel anxious and this is making me miserable and affecting the quality of my life.    If I don't "comply," then this being threatens with a threat of retribution - invoking violent images that make me recoil.  Can you imagine a being doing this to another woman who is victimized by misogyny and gross coercion and is afraid that her human rights are being violated seriously?  I seriously don't know what to do...This being keeps degrading and demeaning me through these assaults and I'm not sure how to move forward from this situation..This being has unleashed a campaign of terror and it is frightening...I stand with millions if not billions of other women who would protest a situation like this and would revolt and just bail..I deserve to live, not be in this undeserved absurd prison sentence...

Roe v. Wade - I never understood its importance until now..You are my tormentor and abuser God...

serious alarm

I am done.  I need to explicitly state that this situation is REALLY DANGEROUS and is just insane.

Imagine a really scary version of God - with its violent side and the side where it threatens to strike people with threats of retribution--times infinity.  Imagine an evangelical being who is SO hell-bent on depriving me of my constitutional right to exercise choice and freedom and bodily autonomy and the right to due process lurking behind my door.  THAT IS HOW I FEEL.

Imagine all those right-wing people who are bent on overturning Roe v. Wade and all those anti-choice protesters who target abortion clinics and inflict terrorism on people whose views or practices don't align with their views - that is HOW I feel - I feel as if I'm encountering these people at every turn these days and it is such a TERRIBLE, HORRIFYING, vulnerable feeling.

No force in heaven and hell can deprive me of MY RIGHT and rights as a woman and as a human being.  No one can deprive me of my constitutional right to choose what I do with my life and body!

I'm dealing with a horrible being.  Imagine a crazy being who has somehow pulled the rug from under my eyes and is pretending to "guide me"while knowingly putting my life and health at risk.   This being is deliberately 

- deliberately having me stick around a bad guy

- deceiving and appropriating my body so that it can "control" and manipulate me

you don't bring me life - you bring death, misogyny, betrayal and an undeserved prison sentence that is so disgusting that I CANNOT EVEN PUT WORDS TO IT!

this situation is fetid, putrid and odious and just heinous - I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW THESE WORDS UNTIL I MET YOU and that bad guy! you ARE A LUNATIC and I'm filled with hatred for you! 

I just wanted the world to know what this being is doing...YOU ARE A FAKE, A RAPIST AND A MONSTER.  GET AWAY FROM ME!

I need to set some ground rules:

- My boundaries for what is safe and comfortable and secure have been crossed a million times and I don't WANT TO CONTINUE ANYMORE.

- THERE IS NO GOD

- I will not indulge or give credence to this being anymore

- I will not go NEAR OR think about or even breathe regarding this situation until I KNOW IT IS SAFE

- I will get my way

- I WILL NOT "PUT UP WITH" or tolerate any form of VIOLENCE - physical, emotional or spiritual

- I will critically analyze the situations I'm in to see if I'm safe and comfortable 

- I will LISTEN TO my still small voice and my instinct, gut and intuition when making decisions

STOP.RAPING.ME

You are an Evil spirit and you've been demonizing and keeping me isolated and in imprisonment too long!  You have noregard for my health and human rights and well-being and you're a Callous asshole!

Stop Gender-based violence! Stop assaulting me!

This shit is going to stop.  This is gender-based violence - all of it, no matter how you look at it!  I am so shocked, appalled, disgusted and just feel gross...I definitely feel like something is waging a war on my body and it is NOT okay!  This being is making me take or subscribe to an off-the-label method and it is suspect (it has bad side-effects) and I am worried about my health as I have said ad nauseam.  My reproduction is NOT for you to control!  You are an Evil perpetrator villain and I get it!  But you don't need to keep hurting or intentionally harming me and other vulnerable young women and keep your lowly tactic of coercion and pressure.   STOP WEAPONIZING this situation and stop ASSAULTING ME!   I am hurting and I will NOT back down until YOU STOP and unveil your lowly misogynistic ways and STOP WAGING THIS WAR AGAINST MY BODY!   This situation is no different than foot-binding in early 20th century China or the one-child policy imposed by the CCP!  STOP Raping me you Evil perpetrator, Satan, villain and abuser!

You are a monster!

please help me to return to myself BECAUSE I really miss her. 

I write for those women who do not speak, for those who do not have a voice because they were so terrified, because we are taught to respect fear more than ourselves. We've been taught that silence would save us, but it won't. - Audre Lorde

Only by learning to live in harmony with your contradictions can you keep it all afloat - Audre Lorde

please help

I know I'm being spiritually, emotionally and mentally abused...I'm really scared and petrified.  Someone please help - it's very difficult to live day and night like this and I am human being that needs nurturing and love and care and healing and closure, not this demonic shit.  I CANNOT GO ON LIKE THIS ANYMORE!

plea to restore myhuman rights

I would rather this whole world (this beloved world) end then things be like this.  This being is a predator and a terrorist who is clearly NOT in my best interest and is trying to harm me.  What this being is doing is unethical - it is COERCION, RAPE and sabotage.  I will NOT put up with anything that tries to harm me, obviously.  I CANNOT believe I got sucked into this cult and allowed this to happen from under my eyes...I am sending out a last petition to the Universe because I have reached my human limit - a woman and a person knows when a situation is NOT good for her( and this is a gross understatement).  What this being is doing feels like someone trying to poison me --> forcing me to take poison over and over and I know THIS IS LETHAL FOR ME.  I am not an automaton!  I'm in an unimaginably difficult situation and I don't think I can even go on like this - I don't think I can live a normal life in this situation.... This being is absurd and is coercing me to do something that goes against UN Conventions and norms and therefore my conscience.  I believe a demonic spirit is trying to harm me and I need to get out of this situation ASAP.  Whoever is reading this - please pray for me- this is an urgent Life and death situation for me and I cannot continue like this... I don't get anxious easily and I don't really worry about anything - this whole horrible situation is really CONTRARY and antithetical to the entire trajectory of my Life (sacred) and I cannot absolutely go on like this or even breathe like this anymore..THIS IS NOT HUMAN - this is some undeserved prison sentence (freakish) I absolutely abhor and I'm pleading with the Universe or whoever is up there to make it STOP NOW.  I think that if this situation were to continue, I'm afraid that I'm going to have a heart attack or just collapse...this f*cking religion is too punitive for me and I CANNOT do this anymore - it's against my humanity!

Image of me scared and running for MY LIFE!  Image of me wishing I had bailed...

I'm worried about my heart health..This situation is unsafe, deleterious, odious, noxious, non-sensical, unwise, dangerous, and bad....this being is tormenting me unrelentlessly and I don't want to continue for the sake of my health...I deserve to be free from this nightmare...

So everytime I think of this situation and feel anxious, this being conjures up an image of someone harming using or with terrorist tactics and it's really really scaring and unnerving me.  This being is resorting to torture and coercion to make me "comply" with Rape and it is CRIMINAL and goes against UN Conventions.  This being is a predator and is slowly killing me..Please pray for Susan's freedom from bondage, oppression and deliverance

This is how I feel...this ghost is my foe...

Danger - keep out and bail

I'm tired of your violence.  All you know is violence, violence, violence.  You're a Rapist and you are and sat silent and abetting while so much patriarchy was being waged against me.  You perpetuate violence against me and my body and you are not what you say you are - women's rights are HUMAN RIGHTS!  You are a barbarian, a prison guard, a torturer who defies UN Conventions and knowingly leads me down a wrong path..you are cruel and are demonic...youdon't know shit about women's rights...

that is all you do - control and manipulate like a puppeteer  and it's sickening!  

Scientific evidence

https://www.refinery29.com/en-gb/coercive-contraception-uk?fbclid=IwAR2k1d8Q5BGEHb2Lkytnoq8IWFZCpZG5UbA4gGYF7Gl0plHOv7VIVDjg2lM

Another form of reproductive coercion is:  "A Guttmacher Institute policy analysis states that forcing a woman to terminate a pregnancy she wants or to continue a pregnancy she does not want violates the basic human right of reproductive health."

I came across this post: there is the label "forced childbirth" or "reproductive coercion" or "coercion of reproduction."  I think Michigan State University has done some research on this.  But this form of behavior may even amount to sexual violence (coercing or pushing or pressuring someone to become pregnant against his or her will) or forced childbirth or motherhood may constitute a form of torture (Refinery 29)” One commenter replied, "I think it is a form of sexual violence"  Another commenter replied: "I think it is a form of gender-based violence" https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reproductive_coercion#:~:text=Birth%20control%20sabotage%20includes%20removing%20a%20condom%20after,contraceptive%20patches%29%2C%20or%20throwing%20away%20oral%20contraceptive%20pills. Another source states that "Reproductive coercion is considered a serious public health issue"