A generous heart is always open, always ready to receive our going and coming. In the midst of such love we need never fear abandonment. This is the most precious gift true love offers - the experience of knowing we always belong. --bell hooks

I watched the movie Them That Follows with Olivia Coleman..it's a movie about a Pentecostal community in the U.S. in the Appalachians who follow very strict, literal interpretation of the Bible and impose their flawed beliefs onto others, causing grave consequences.  This movie exposes not only the patriarchy that underlie the father and a young woman's husband-to-be treatment towards the main character but also the irrationality that has washed over the village members.  This movie shows that life is not black and white but there is so much gray and IT'S HOW WE respond to the gray and the complexities of life that determine our lives and who we are and our humanity.  

Terrorism 4 - addendum

I've decided to turn away from this religion or cult.  This being is wreaking havoc and I will NOT put up with it anymore.  This being keeps conjuring up images of harm being done to me (grotesque and demonic) and this is CRIMINAL.  I am not meant for evangelical Christianity the way things are in the U.S. right now and this religion or  mindgame or manipulation is scaring me.  The endless arousal of guilt and all the blaming and burden-casting is doing harm and it's NOT getting better.  I don't think I'm alone to experience these feelings and experiences and I feel as if I have RTS.   As a woman and as a human being, I believe this is spiritual abuse and something really perverse or sadistic has been deceiving and duping me.  I want liberty and freedom and safety and protection and freedom from harm. 

It is a mistake but this being treats it like a prison sentence or a death sentence.  This being has been feeding me lies and manipulation for so long and it's only recently that I started to realize this.  This being is imposing its agenda onto me and has been doing it - me as the unwitting victim.  This being is so oppressive and is jeopardizing my health and well-being.  This being is hazardous to me - I don't even know if this is "God" anymore - this could just be a vindictive spirit or something but it is scary.   My human rights are at stake - and when one of my rights are being attacked, all my rights are being attacked.  One person's suffering means everyone's suffering and I as a woman deserve better protection and treatment and SAFETY than this.  This being is taking advantage of my innocence, naivete and willingness to trust and penchant for putting up with bad situations to REALLY hurt me.  To really put my life at risk.  It is all punitive - this religion is really bad for me in terms of feeling positive and well about myself and I'm done.  But this being still viciously wants to use me as a pawn and EXPECTS ME TO BE  f*cking robot at the end of the day.  This is impossible because I am a human being and I'm not a robot!  I ABSOLUTELY will not put up with violence any longer!  This being wakes me up in the middle of the night and makes me feel really jarred and just unsettled - please get off my back!  This is persecution - making someone who is so vulnerable and without fault to be honest miserable, scared and terrified.  This is immoral and criminal - what this being is doing - and it feels like cruel and unusual punishment and death.  This is dictatorial and this has to END - a lot of women's organizations and their data support me on this (NOW, WHO) and this is severe unnecessary victimjzation and weaponization. 

https://www.univision.com/univision-news/politics/evangelical-leaders-supported-by-the-white-house-export-fundamentalist-agenda-to-latin-America

disturbing

Letter TO God

Dear God,

Thank you for abusing and tormenting me the last five years  Thank you for pretending to be a God and to be on my side when you were  behind the scenes to screw me over and you didn't have my back the last four years.  Thank you for weaponizing religion to terrorize and entrap and traumatize me and to instill fears of retribution, non-stop and constantly.  And when I tried to assert and raise my voice or do things I needed to do, thank you for shooting me down and casting doubt in my mind and making me feel chaos, chaos I've never felt in my entire life.  Thank you for making me feel like I'm around Donald Trump or some white Republican male when I'm around you and thank you for not meeting my needs when I was most vulnerable and helpless.  Thank you for your misogynistic treatment towards me and towards other women and for duping and deceiving me and millions of other women when I needed access to legitimate healthcare and needed information and needed HEALTH.  Thank you for your myths, your stereotypes, for your condemnation, for y our ability to arouse guilt for no reason, all the time.  Thank you for not meeting my needs or ignoring them altogether at times and thank you for n ot meeting me and for having me run around in circles and thank you for not providing for me.  Thank you for degrading me and for having me live below my dignity and integrity the last four years.  Thank you for coercing me to BE AROUND a creep and for jeopardizing my safety for your ideology.   I genuinely trusted you for guidance and leaned on you but I was met with betrayal, hatred and darkness.  But I HAVE forgiven myself and love myself and have shown grace towards myself. I choose to show kindness towards myself because I am a worthy woman of dignity and I deserve it!   I DESERVE KINDN.ESS

picture of me bleeding at the lips the last year since 2019 from the stress of my situation - I have repeatedly asked God to stop the pressure and the coercion and the stress but to no avail.  It's been futile

I'm dealing with a being who is mean or is consistently attacking or abusing me for reason.  This started 4 years ago in 2014 and I felt like I had to "put up with this" or face threats of retribution.   Even though there were times when I didn't feel safe or didn't want to stay in certain situations, I felt like I had to or God would be displeased or punish me.  This kind of punitive thinking has gotten me into trouble and into situations that were NOT in favor the last four years and THINGS ARE NOT GOING TO CONTINUE this way anymore.  I DON'T deserve to be bullied or harassed for no reason or degraded or have my voice be silent.  I feel as if I'm dealing with some perpetrator who is mean and inherently vicious and manipulative for no reason and I'm NOT going to put up with this!  As a woman, this situation is akin to violence against women or trafficking or slavery and THIS IS REALLY BAD.  This continuous violation of my civil and human rights is not going to be silenced and buried and swept under the rug.  I'm dealing with a being who thinks it's okay to isolate and abuse and torment or torture me and it is NOT okay.  I'm not a victim but a woman - a whole woman and I have rights.