This is what propranolol (memory pill) looks like - I felt uncomfortable taking this without the complete reassurance of safety or given that this is the side-effect: Propranolol may cause heart failure in some patients.  Scary huh?  This being is slowly killing me..what a "God"

The awful truth

When I got into this horrible mess and cesspool of a situation, I didn't know that I had PTSD and RTS (Religious Trauma Syndrome) and this being was targeting my PTSD.
I learned from a Stanford talk that when a person has PTSD, that person cannot see the forest or the larger picture - that person can only see the tree in front of them.
This being has brainwashed, deceived and lied to me to get me to be in and prolong a situation that is a Crime against woman and is officially an unsafe, dangerous situation.  This has been going on for the last 4 years (since 2014).
This situation should have ended in May 2014 as the person who is the perpetrator in this situation is a stranger, someone who has defrauded and committed gender-based violence against me and I don't even know this person except for what he is telling me, which could be all lies.
In this dubious and sketchy situation, I turned to "God" because I thought he would help me, but he betrayed me, stabbed me in the back, has NOT had my back and has condoned this perpetrator/bad guy and has prolonged and abetted the gender-based violence, crime against women, exploitation, rape, trafficking,
fraud, misogyny, and trauma. 
If I don't cooperate, this being has been threatening me with threats of t retribution and has been continuing this bizarre, insane, unsafe, delusional, inhumane situation over and over, despite my continued requests and pleadings to STOP.
This being is a misogynist in disguise, a sociopath and a narcissist.  Only a narcissist and a megalomaniac acts in this way, pretending over and over NOT to hear the victim, yet lying consistently that this being is a Savior and someone who saves and helps.
This being is a monster, based on my experience as a young girl, woman and human being.
It is time that this ridiculous, insane and public health/women's health violation situation STOPS.
If you have any questions or want more details about this horrible situation that NO WOMAN or HUMAN BEING SHOULD GO THROUGH, contact iriss7480@yahoo.com (what this being and Christian evangelicals are promoting in this situation directly contradict the advice, behest and facts from the WHO, NOW - National Organization for Women, UN, UN Convention for Human Rights)
This being has consistently pinned the blame on me for the perpetrator's and "God"s transgressions and has repeatedly sent the message that "I'm the one to blame" even though facts suggest that I am inherently vulnerable based on the fact that I am an woman.

Deathly scared

Has taken advantage and exploited traumatized person (woman)   
Has aided and deliberately put a woman in a dangerous, unsafe situation
Has aided and abetted gender-based violence
Has deliberately deprived a woman of human rights and women's rights (four years)
Continues to threaten woman
Agenda-driven
Perpetuates Evil through unnecessary misogyny
Retaliates with violence when I don't "cooperate" with said Evil

Knowingly puts me in dangerous situation - life/death (NOW, Pro-Naral)

Has knowingly put me in bondage
Treats me like a prisoner
Feel like I'm dealing with an abusive guardian

Expects me to be a slave

I'm really scared - this memory pill that being "being" is making me take is making forgetful - I've forgotten to turn off the stove off four times this past month.  This propranolol is making me forgetful - please someone help me.  I don't think this is a good or benign spirit and this situation is clearly NOT good or wise.  I've NEVER forgotten to turn off the stove before - I don't know what to make of this anymore...

I don't want to engage with this rapist anymore!

"God" (love) or cult?

- starves me --> uses hunger as a manipulative tool, like some cult leader (Nxqvism)
- has me entrapped in vicious cycle of abuse
- has aided and abetted misogyny and gender-based violence
- has me move around like a nomad as a "tool" to control and manipulate me
- justifies bad people and bad relationships
- has me living in a lie, a sham

- threatens me with retribution

- my family situation has gotten worse the last 10 years

- violates my civil and human rights every day - denies my women's rights and womenhood every day by violating my human rights
- has me live in less than ideal, safe conditions
- does not make me a better person
- manipulates and controls me
- puts all issues and blames on me
- constantly makes me feel bad about myself
- condemns and criticizes me

- imposes an agenda down my throat 24/7

- hijacks my life

- makes me feel like I'M IN A CULT
- doesn't provide; expects me to pull stuff out of my ass

- provides false promises

- doesn't understand the meaning of freedom and anti-slavery!

- won't let me live with dignity

- is violent

I hate this being - I wish it would die!

picture of "God" providing - I have been praying for furniture in my place but to no avail...

I am officially creeped out.  I am dealing with a monster who is obsessive and just wants to control me - this is NOT love or a relationship; this is akin to being in a cult or rape.  Apparently, I signed up for a cult.  This being keeps overriding my own voice and tries to exert its own deranged agenda and "will" over my OWN thoughts and will and humanity and personhood.   I HATE THE WAY THIS BEING is guiding my life - it is REALLY SCARY - I don't even recognize my Life or what this is anymore.  This being is aiding and abetting MISOGYNY, CRIME AGAINST WOMEN, GENDER-BASED VIOLENCE AND RAPE!  This being blatantly ignores the fact that WOMEN'S RIGHTS ARE HUMAN RIGHTS (experts - Ann Firth Murray, a Stanford professor said this!) and that we CANNOT consider women's issues without a human rights or social justice lens!  What a psycho!  UGH! 

In the midst of death, life persists; 
in the midst of untruth, truth persists; 
in the midst of darkness, light persists.

—Gandhi

make justice visible - Gandhi

God = Criminal, someone who wages a war against my body, rapist, Perpetrator, a monster with a mind and agenda of its own, top-down

I read and learned through a Stanford course today that "women's health" is not merely an absence of disease or illness, but "complete physical, mental and emotional health"  Shame on you.  This being is inflicting gross human rights abuses and violations on me and on my body due to gender bias.  It's disgusting and revolting and criminal and base!

What I really think about religion

I have been trying to pursue an earnest relationship with God as much as possible these last 17 years.  I even went on a missions trip to China in 2004.  But these last 7 years or so, I haven't been able to shake off the feeling that something is amiss.  Let me share a little bit of what I've been wrestling with.
I value spirituality.  I value people trying to seek out a faith or deity or religion out of a genuine intention.  That was the place I was in 2002, when I graduated from Stanford University and felt that I needed to pursue a genuine relationship with God--something that I had felt since my childhood, but got too busy or caught up in schools, my academic endeavors or even extracurricular activities.   But  I was a 22 year old, fresh out of college and wide-eyed about everything and the world.
The first 10 years of my faith journey has brought so much blessing - I have to admit.  I met wonderful friends, formed a strong community in the Bay Area and delved into the doctrines of Christianity, especially in regards to Protestantism which has been my faith background all of my life since childhood.
But I also saw and witnessed some of the darker sides -- the need and pressure to proselytize, the convoluted and nebulous ideas about heaven and hell (the afterlife), the relegation and exclusion of other faiths, the stigmatization of the LGBT community and even shunning of gay marriages, and the fierce and often vitriolic debates surrounding crucial women's rights issues such as our right to access abortions or important healthcare services or condoning even gender-based violence or discrimination.
I'm not criticizing Christianity or the church as an outsider looking in, but more as an insider who spent years going to services and engaging in religious practices.  But I realized at some point -- probably around the 10-year mark--that my faith became less about "God" or finding a relationship with him, but more about my worries with outward displays of religious practices or the pressure to conform to certain beliefs and ideologies that are extremely repressive towards women.
I heard stories about church leaders -- well-known ones -- who were exposed because of moral failures.  I read a NYT article about the rise of child marriages in the U.S. and how the statistics are higher in the Pentacostal community.   I listened to accounts after accounts of church leaders -- pastors and elders -- who were guilty of perpetrating violence against their spouses or women or even inflict sexual harassment and the church condoning such behaviors at times.  I read headlines about my own pastor and the allegations of sexual harassment and misconduct surrounding him here in the Chicago area.  I read disheartening articles after articles about fake "crisis pregnancy centers" (CPCs) in the U.S. that were established to lure vulnerble young women away from getting abortions or accessing the appropriate healthcare services, especially in minority communities.  To my dismay, I found out belatedly that I had even volunteered in one in the Bay Area  -- one against which the city of San Francisco has passed an ordinance to prevent the false advertising of its services.
As a feminist, as much as I try, I cannot help writing about these critical, life and death issues especially as they pertain to women.  While I recognize the traditions of the Christian faith given its 2000-year old history, sometimes this religion seems cloaked in antiquated notions of feminism or regressive ideas regarding women's health issues.
I believe that the church or Christians need to rise up and recognize that women's status are not to be relegated or that there may be no circumstances, where women "should be expected to put up with" discriminatory ideas or practices or manipulative platforms that pressure women to make certain choices or wage a war against their bodies.  Often, the proponents of these dangerous ideas tend to be men who don't know what it's like to be in women's shoes or to be victimized based on our gender or relegated or be overlooked in terms of wages or be stereotyped for no reason or held to a double standard based (being expected to perform certain duties, which constitutes as silent labor) or know what it's like to give birth.  Women are bleeding on the ground and it's time that the men SEE and recognize this and give credit where credit is due or even acknowledge or compensate women accordingly.  As a Stanford classmate put it in her poem "trench lyrics," society is waging a war against women and their bodies in so many ways - subtle and directly -- and we are in warfare, in the front lines, receiving all the attacks so to speak (look at the staggering rates regarding eating disorders in the U.S. among women, the prevalence of Post-partum depression, the pressure to conform to certain outward images or to even be expected to put up with or be subjected to the male gaze).  It is a brutal world out there, if I may be frank, for women and can the men even recognize this?  The #Metoo movement is a step forward, but there needs to be change from the inside  -- a paradigm shift. 
It is time for men and women in the Christianity community to realize that the dangerous notions I mentioned above are similar to waging a war against a woman's body -- and she is already going through so much as a result of the societal and structural injustices that threaten women's rights and lives everyday in the U.S.    An honest conversation about feminist issues, in particular, in the church and even about other marginalized groups is a good starting point.  It is through honesty and soul-searching and transparency that the abuses and repressive practices in the church can come to an end, paving way for freedom and truth and equality.

This being is sanctioning violence and demonization - this being is a Goddamn lunatic and a cult leader..please help me!  

SOS

STOP WAGING A war with my body!

 I'm so sick of this  being's manipulative platform - it is vile and disgusting.  This being keeps trying to oppress and make me be stuck in a mental prison because of this sick agenda.  I calculated the amount of money I could be making during this during this time or should be compensated and it is sickening and appalling:

15 (minimum wage) x 24 hours in the day x 365 days x 4 years = $500,000

This being or that vile perpetrator who caused all these bad circumstances should cough up and properly compensate me as I should be for this "labor" (silent labor)