I need to be my own light while walking through this darkness

this being is rancid and bad news..I've come to realize this being is all negative and this being has been pretending to be there and to be on my side and to have my back but it was all a front and this being is having me live some act, some charade and fake role.  Nothing good will come out of this being anymore.  This being's little act and existence is an affront to my existence.  It's sickening and disgusting.  I believe there is a special place in the infamy of history for characters like this being who put down and oppress and torment and pressure vulnerable young women and girls.

I went to downtown on Saturday and saw a new reality - boarded-up luxury shops, hotels, restaurants....all from the riots of the past two weeks.  It was a rude awakening and I felt a sense of eeriness come over me because I had been sheltered in my place in the suburbs and had no idea what reality was really like.  I think about the state of the U.S. - the Coronovirus, the racial tension, the protests, the economic reality and it is unnerving and unsettling.  I have never felt a sense of unease like this in my entire life.  What are the answers?  What is the solution?  Who can help us get out of this quagmire?  And then I think about my own falling out with God and religion and this horrible duplicitous roommate situation that I somehow found myself in and none of it makes sense anymore.  Is anyonereally in control?  Who cares about me at the end of the day?  I feel as if I'm going through an existential crisis.  But one thing is for sure - I reached a limit last Thursday with my personal circumstances and with the Coronovirus and everything in between.  I need to flee!

“Books are a form of political action. Books are knowledge. Books are reflection. Books change your mind.” -Toni Morrison

I realized these past four months or so that there is a lot of bullshit - bullshit in people (guys, roommates, housing situations), bullshit in religion (something I used to trust but have completely been turned off by lately), bullshit in the news.  I am a bit jaded and cynical to be honest.  This "being" I trusted is a fiend, a sabotageur I've come to realize.  So where to go from here?  What next? I just want to make sure I'm being honest and transparent with myself.

A riot is the language of the unheard - MLK