perilous

I read this in an article:  a person is taught either covertly or overtly, to negate her own original thoughts, emotions, beliefs and body sensations because she has been convinced in some way that to operate  out of these would be a betrayal of a sacred contract with either the divine or the divine’s representative.    I've been living like this the last 7 years and I lost myself and my voice in the process and this has led to grave results.  I feel like my life is at risk or I'M AT RISK and it's a scary feeling to feel like I'm not in the driver's seat in my own life.  I feel like this toxic being has been in the driver's seat so long that I almost accepted or got accustomed to the constant threats of punishment or I accepted the fears of retribution or the constant threats of condemnation and all the negativity because somehow I thought it had to do with me.  Bullshit!  Not anymore!    This being has a sick obsession with me "being someone else" or being like other people to 'fit" or accommodate a horrible, anti-feminist, misogynistic and dangerous and life/death situation.  Especially since the scientific evidence and data suggest that this type of situation is really unsafe and risky for women, leading to decreased physical health, etc.  All of this pressure and manipulation and control comes at MY EXPENSE - at the expense of my body, LIFE and spirit and soul and mind.  This being would rather have me be in a unsafe situation  than have me express my true Authentic  self and soul and spirit.

I feel like I'm in a cult.  No woman wants to be in this situation - this horrible prison sentence that is UNNECESSARY AND risky.  It is extremely discriminatory and misogynistic to put all this pressure and burden on me.  This being has been trying to scare me from writing the truth and has been going crazy.   This being has been abusing me and traumatizing me unnecessarily and imposing all kinds of mal-informed ideologically-driven shit on my life and body the last four years, demanding that I be some kind of a slave or a shell or a robot.  This kind of unrealistic thinking and crazy expectation and pressure is INSANE and dangerous.  At some point, something is going to give.   This being though - what you see is what you get.  I've been wondering why my prayers weren't being answered the last four years or why all of this manipulation was happening.  And I finally got it - this being is extremely manipulative and this is just how things are and how things have been.  Things will not change under this Evil being or spirit's gaze and it's UP TO ME TO CHANGE THINGS!  I HAVE TO TAKE THE REIGN AND SEIZE CONTROL! I'm dealing with a being who is dangerous for me and does not have my well-being in mind.  This situation would be unsafe for any woman who did not desire to be in this kind of a situation yet this ignorant being keeps insisting that I PUT up with it like some shell.  And if I express some opinion or resistance, this being unleashes some kind of retribution or ire.  Any feminist could tell you this situation is slavery or just WRONG.  This situation should be illegal and criminal.  This being is treating me in such a sub-human manner that's it's scary, terrifying and shocking.   I am writing this in hopes that someone might be able to refer me to some resources or lend assistance and save me from  this Evil spirit.  This being is putting my life at risk because of ignorance, tradition, antiquated notions of feminism and misogyny.  This being is crazy- this being is having me go through something it itself wouldn't go through or NO WOMAN IN THEIR RIGHT MIND would go through.  I'm dealing with a being who badgers, berates, is f*cking UNREASONABLE, has impossible standards and is plain Evil.  This being supposedly has the name "God" attached to it but is nothing like it. . This being is unleashing some spell of horror and I WANT OUT!  This being pretends to be benign at the outset but has odious and horrible traits.  This being is obsessed with weird things and is obsessed with me saying certain things to "appease it" and to ward off its anger.  Sounds twisted huh?  Like a cult leader!  This being is jeopardizing my health and my life for some disgusting twisted cause and for some jerk and it is absolutely horrifying.  It's rape.  I'm pretty sure I'm involved with some kind of religious abuse and I'm suffering greatly.  This being is continuously treating me like a slave even after I've written this.  The continuous nature of the attacks show that I'm dealing with a cult leader.  I will forever be miserable and feel  guilty if I stay with this Evil being.  So I'm leaving.  This being has created this warped reality under my nose and is expecting me to do some role play even though it is perilous to me.  My only crime was that I trusted this being genuinely to guide me when I was most vulnerable.  Instead I was met with betrayal, stabbing in the back and cruelty and an assault to my rights and a severe, gross, ongoing violation of my safety and well-being every day for the last four years. I'm talking about violence and just disgusting attack on my human rights in a way I can't even imagine.  Can you imagine an Evil being attacking and ruining a young woman's life for no reason or because of a mistake?  This is how it has been the last four years.   For what?  For some sick and wrong ideology.  I feel like everything this being does feels like rape nowadays and coercion and intrusion of some Evil being's agenda...The article below helped me understand what I'm going through.. 

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Understanding Religious Trauma Syndrome: It’s Time to Recognize It

I'm really struggling and am desperate never to go back to the religion I was raised in, but I no longer want to live in fear or depression. It seems that I am walking through the jungle alone with my machete; no one to share my crazy and sometimes scary thoughts with.

After years of depression, anxiety, anger, and finally a week in a psychiatric hospital a year ago, I am now trying to pick up the pieces and put them together into something that makes sense. I'm confused. My whole identity is a shredded, tangled mess. I am in utter turmoil.

These comments are not unusual for people suffering with Religious Trauma Syndrome, or RTS. Religious trauma? Isn’t religion supposed to be helpful, or at least benign? In the case of fundamentalist beliefs, people expect that choosing to leave a childhood faith is like giving up Santa Claus – a little sad but basically a matter of growing up.

But religious indoctrination can be hugely damaging, and making the break from an authoritarian kind of religion can definitely be traumatic. It involves a complete upheaval of a person’s construction of reality, including the self, other people, life, the future, everything. People unfamiliar with it, including therapists, have trouble appreciating the sheer terror it can create and the recovery needed.

My own awareness of this problem took some time. It began with writing about my own recovery from a fundamentalist Christian background, and very quickly, I found out I was not alone. Many other people were eager to discuss this hidden suffering. Since then, I have worked with clients in the area of “recovery from religion” for about twenty years and wrote a self-help book1 on the subject.

In my view, it is time for the mental health community to recognize the real trauma that religion can cause. Just like clearly naming problems like anorexia, PTSD, or bipolar disorder made it possible to stop self-blame and move ahead with treatment, we need to address Religious Trauma Syndrome. The internet is starting to overflow with stories of RTS and cries for help. On forums for former believers (such as exchristian.net), one can see the widespread pain and desperation. In response to my presentation about RTS on YouTube, a viewer commented:

Thank you so much. This is exciting because millions of people suffer from this. I have never heard of Dr. Marlene but more people are coming out to talk about this issue. Millions--who are quietly suffering and being treated for other issues when the fundamental issue is religious abuse.

Barriers to treating RTS

At present, raising questions about toxic beliefs and abusive practices in religion seems to be violating a taboo. In society, we treasure our freedom of speech, freedom of assembly, and freedom of religion. Our laws and mores reflect the general principle that if we are not harming others, we can do as we like. Forcing children to go to church hardly seems like a crime. Real damage is assumed to be done by extreme fringe groups we call “cults” and people have heard of ritual abuse. Moreover, religious institutions have a vested interest in promoting an uncritical view.

But mind-control and emotional abuse is actually the norm for many large, authoritarian, mainline religious groups. The sanitization of religion makes it all the more insidious. When the communities are so large and the practices normalized, victims are silenced.

As therapists, we have no real appropriate diagnosis in our manual. Even in the commonly used list of psychosocial stressors, amidst all the change and loss and disruption, there is no mention of losing one’s religion. Yet it can be the biggest crisis ever faced. This is important for us because people are leaving the ranks of traditional religious groups in record numbers2 and they are reporting real suffering.

In assessment, we seem to have a blind spot. Psychotherapists do not traditionally ask a new client much about religious background. We delve into family, medical, educational, occupational, and other areas of personal history, including alcoholism and mental illness in the extended family. Yet if a person had to attend a mind-controlling church several times a week, go to a religious school, perhaps be home-schooled, and conform to strict codes of belief and behavior for years on end, this is hugely important.

Another obstacle in treatment is that most people with RTS have been taught to fear psychology as something worldly and therefore evil. It is very likely that only a fraction of sufferers are even seeking help. Within many dogmatic, self-contained religions, mental health problems such as depression or anxiety are considered sins. They are seen as evidence of not being right with God. A religious counselor or pastor advises more confession and greater obedience as curative, and warns that a secular interpretation from a mental health professional would be dangerous. God is called the “great physician” and a person should not need any help from anyone else. Doubt is considered wrong, not honest inquiry. Moreover, therapy is a selfish indulgence. Focusing on one’s own needs is always sinful in this religious view, so RTS victims are often not even clear how to do it. The clients I have worked with have had to overcome ignorance, guilt, and fear to make initial contact.

What is RTS?

I suffer with guilt and depression and struggle to let go of religion. I am also battling with an existential crisis of epic proportions and intense heartache. . . I feel like I am the only person in the world that this has happened to. Some days are okay, but others are terrible. I do not know if I will make it through this.

RTS is the condition experienced by people who are struggling with leaving an authoritarian, dogmatic religion and coping with the damage of indoctrination. They may be going through the shattering of a personally meaningful faith and/or breaking away from a controlling community and lifestyle. The symptoms compare most easily with PTSD, which results from experiencing or being confronted with death or serious injury and causing feelings of terror, helplessness, or horror. This can be a single event or chronic abuse of some kind. With RTS, there is chronic abuse, especially of children, plus the major trauma of leaving the fold. Like PTSD, the impact is long-lasting, with intrusive thoughts, negative emotional states, impaired social functioning, and other problems.

With RTS, the trauma is two-fold. First, the actual teachings and practices of a restrictive religion can be toxic and create life-long mental damage. In many cases, the emotional and mental abuse is compounded by physical and sexual abuse due to the patriarchal, repressive nature of the environment.

Second, departing a religious fold adds enormous stress as an individual struggles with leaving what amounts to one world for another. This usually involves significant and sudden loss of social support while facing the task of reconstructing one’s life. People leaving are often ill-prepared to deal with this, both because they have been sheltered and taught to fear the secular world and because their personal skills for self-reliance and independent thinking are underdeveloped.

Key dysfunctions in RTS are:

• Cognitive: Confusion, difficulty with decision-making and critical thinking, dissociation, identity confusion
• Affective: Anxiety, panic attacks, depression, suicidal ideation, anger, grief, guilt, loneliness, lack of meaning
• Functional: Sleep and eating disorders, nightmares, sexual dysfunction, substance abuse, somatization
• Social/cultural: Rupture of family and social network, employment issues, financial stress, problems acculturating into society, interpersonal dysfunction

These comments from people going through it may be the best way to convey the intensity of RTS:

I get depressed and upset. Jesus no longer saves me. God no longer created me. What purpose is there? What am I left with? What do ex-Christians fill the hole with? So we are here for no reason, no divine plan. From nothing—into nothing; reality is harsh. Plus I’m pissed that I was so brainwashed for so long - smashing CDs, burning books, rebuking Satan. . . it’s like having your entire world turned upside down, no, destroyed.

There is a lot of guilt and I react to most religion with panic attacks and distress, even photos, statues or TV. . . I guess although I was willing it was like brainwashing. It’s very hard to shake. . . It's been a nightmare.

I felt despair and hopelessness that I would ever be normal, that I would ever be able to undo the forty years of brainwashing.

My form of religion was very strongly entrenched and anchored deeply in my heart. It is hard to describe how fully my religion informed, infused, and influenced my entire worldview. My first steps out of fundamentalism were profoundly pull-rightening and I had frequent thoughts of suicide. Now I’m way past that but I still haven't quite found "my place in the universe."

I feel angry, powerless, hopeless, and hurt---scars from the madness Christianity once had me suffering in.

It took years of overcoming terrific fear as well as self-loathing to emancipate myself from my cult-like upbringing years ago. Still, the aftermath of growing up like that has continued to affect me negatively as a professional (nightmares, paranoia, etc.).

The world was a strange and pull-rightening place to me. I feared that all the bad, nasty things that I had been brought up to believe would happen to anyone who left the cult would in fact happen to me!

Even now I still lack the ability to trust very easily and becoming very close to people is something I still find very alien and hard to achieve.

After 21 years of marriage my husband feels he cannot accept me since I have left the “church” and is divorcing me.

My parents have stopped calling me. My dad told me I'm going to hell (he's done this my whole life!).

I had to move away from my home because I just could not be in the environment any more. My entire family is Christian and I struggle to explain to them what I am going through. I feel extremely isolated and sometimes I wonder if I am going insane. I am extremely lonely and I suffer from intense depression at times.

I lost all my friends. I lost my close ties to family. Now I’m losing my country. I’ve lost so much because of this malignant religion and I am angry and sad to my very core. . . I have tried hard to make new friends, but I have failed miserably. . . I am very lonely.

Many of us feel that we cannot relate to the ‘outside’ world as the teachings we were brought up on are all we know and our only frame of reference.

My new secular friends wouldn't understand. My Christian friends either have abandoned me or keep praying for me.

My attempts to think outside the Christian box are like the attempts of a convict to escape Alcatraz prison-- tunnel through hundreds of feet of stone and concrete, outsmart gun-carrying guards, only to maybe make it to the choppy freezing cold water and a deadly swim to safety. This may be a little dramatic, but true to my heart. I now continue to try to rebuild my soul from the abuse it's endured.

The severity of RTS ranges and depends on a number of factors. Persons most at risk of RTS are those who were:

• raised in their religion,
• sheltered from the rest of the world,
• very sincerely and personally involved, and/or
• from a very controlling form of religion.

The important thing for us to realize is that Religious Trauma Syndrome is real. While it may be easier to understand the damage done by sexual abuse or natural disaster, religious practices can be just as harmful. More people are needing help and the taboos about criticizing religion need to be questioned.

1. Leaving the Fold - A Guide for Former Fundamentalists and Others Leaving Their Religion, Apocryphile Press, 2007
2. The American Religious Identification Survey (ARIS) - from 2008 indicates that Americans by the millions are making an exodus from their faith. The number of people who affiliate themselves with “No religion” has nearly doubled from 1990 to 2008. The 18.7 million people who fall in this gap have presumably come from mainline Protestant, Baptist, and Catholic churches, which have lost 12.7 million believers during the same timeframe.